Message on Shame

I always appreciate Pastor Kevin's candor in his sharing of personal experiences. As we all shared (and chuckled at) his painful suffering at not only running into a concrete curve, falling and face planting into the sidewalk and then having witnesses to this unfortunate event; I couldn't help but to recall my own (numerous) experiences with things that made me feel shameful.

Kevin's message today was about the differences between "Toxic Shame" and "Healthy Shame". I think honestly on the 13 point self evaluation quiz that Kevin gave to our congregation, I scored in the 2nd catagory, that is that I've experienced some significant shame in my life but that I'm on the healthy side. The truth is that I've probably buried some shame / self estiem issues so far deep that I haven't dealt with it. I appreciate what Kevin shared about where some of these shame issues emulated from: our western culture, our ethnic hertiage, and even from our Christian culture. The whole issue of our public / outer self and our private / inner self; how others perceive us and how we perceive ourselves are all considerations in our shame.

My good friend D has written much about being a people pleaser. I'm pretty certain that I'm one too. Rather than to deal with the unhealthyness in my own life, I tend to go overboard on things I certainly can't afford. I think my life is full of stuff, actually too much stuff. Whenever I want to feel better about myself, I want to buy the next thing that will make me more complete (I know that's Satan's lie). It's such a powerful thing, a better golf club, an Apple Macbook, a new digital SLR camera, a new bigger more powerful firearm (even though I only go to the range like twice a year now) or the latest DVD (I'm pushing toward the 350 mark now).

Lately, I've feeling invisible and unappreciated. I'm the type who will pickup on what's not being done and just do it. I feel both good about helping and guilty about being resentful in the first place for having to pick up after others. Is this toxic shame?

I guess in the middle of this that I should be appreciative to have a community at church and at work who do care about me. I had missed a recent house church this week feeling both run down from my week and unprepared for bible study. I was certainly surprised when I had no less than half a dozen folks tell that I was missed and if I was feeling okay. I felt very humblied and privilaged to have such caring friends/family. Is this healthy shame?

Just my 4am ranting ...

-DB-